Baby powder lingering in the air and the smell of a newborn baby. These are two things in the world that can make people turn into complete mush. I am one of those people.
It was not long ago that the combination of baby powder and a newborn baby would fill my eyes with tears.
My confession.
My tears were not tears of joy and happiness? My teardrops were of envy and jealousy. I could never admit these words or allow them to slip past my lips. What would people think? It was wrong for me to be envious of innocent babies. I would hold this secret wrapped up around my heart as if it was a blanket protecting me from a cold winter night. Through the years that blanket would begin to slowly loosen around me. However it would never disappear.
When Meghann was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 10 months old, I was jealous, envious, and angry toward anyone pregnant. If I saw anyone with a healthy baby in their arms I was jealous. It didn't matter if they were strangers, friends, or family. I could hardly stand looking at anyone who had a baby in their arms. When I did force myself to hold a baby it made me physically sick to my stomach. Why would this envy continue to plague me? Was I wrong to be envious?
Time after time, I covered up all of my envy and jealousy. I kept a smile painted on my face, and a blanket around my heart to protect me.
I felt as if I was the joker from Batman with a smile permanently plastered on my face. I never revealed my secret of envy. While everyone was telling me “ I don’t know how you do it.” I would smile and respond with the appropriate well rehearsed response. “You could do it if she was your child, or you are stronger than you think.” The truth was it wasn't easy when all of my friends and family were having children to keep up the facade. Of course, when everyone was thinking how hard raising Meg was for me I was thinking that it was harder to watch children pass Meg by developmentally. That is how envy became a part of my life.
I would tell myself if Meg and I could make it past the developmental stage of all these children close to us it would get better.
Did it get better?
To be continued.
