If mom says no ask grandma. Grandma's my name, spoiling is my game.
There are endless quotes about grandparents. I am sure as you read this you may be thinking of your favorite grandparent quote or perhaps thinking about your grandchildren
I am flabbergasted and a little scared to write this next sentence……. I am old enough that my friends are becoming grandparents. Where has the time gone?
When did all of these children grow up and become parents? When did I become the oldest generation at family gatherings? Don't get me wrong there are plenty of reasons to enjoy being 53 years old or should I say the grandma age.
I don't have to change diapers. I only have myself to get dressed, and ready to go to bed. I can walk out the door without any toys, extra clothes, bottles, diapers, and snacks. Most importantly, I am not constantly searching for a pacifier.
My husband and I joke that it took us an entire 5 minutes to get use to being “empty nesters.”
Life is good !
Are there things that are missing? If I said I didn't have anything in my life I regret or miss, it would be untrue. I believe I have accepted my decisions, and moved on fairly well even though the thoughts of past decisions still enter my head from time to time. Grandchildren are one of those joyous occasions that will never happen for me because of my decision to not have more children after Meghann was diagnosed with cerebral palsy due to various reasons.
“ You are going to be a grandma.” The words I will never hear from my daughter.
Most of the time, I am truly happy for people who are becoming grandparents. It is a blessing, and a wonderful gift in the cycle of life. It is a time filled with good changes, excitement, parties and planning.
However there are times when for no particular reason the news of a friend having a grandchild throws me into a funk. I fall into a state of mind that I feel sorry for myself and just sad. I don't want to put on a fake smile and be happy for the potential grandparents. I don’t even want to talk about it, hear about it, or be around the happiness. I want to be left alone in my own misery to contemplate the nasty joke fate bestowed upon Meghann and me. It is one more wonderful occasion that Meghann and I will never share. This is such a deep sadness for me that I was reluctant to share it on my blog. But here I go. At times not ever becoming a grandma feels like a death to me. It is piece of my heart that has broken and will never ever heal. Even as I write this I find it difficult to put into words how deeply the loss haunts me. During my journey raising Meghann I have been hit with various emotions. For some reason the thought of never experiencing my own grandchild with Meghann seems to always hit me the hardest. Perhaps it is the idea that she to will never have the joy of childbirth and become a mother or maybe it is my own selfish desire to be a grandma. Whatever the reason, I hope by releasing this within me I can learn to deal with the fact that my heart will never heal from this loss, and that is alright. It is okay because I have a wonderful step-daughter who has graciously given me the gift of sharing her life with me. I also have a awesome granddaughter who has included me in her life with open arms along with her little brothers. To me this is definitely the next best thing I could have ever wished for in my life.
I am determined to make a conscious effort when I am feeling like those dark clouds are starting to descend on me to remember the blessings I have in my life. I am also going to allow myself to grieve when needed and then move onto celebrating the small steps that I make each time I hear those words “you are going to be a grandma.”
