My new okay

My daughter Meghann passed away one year ago.  The year flew by, and it moved

in slow motion for me!!. Does that make sense?  Time has a way of passing with

or without us.

When I first started writing this blog it was my intention to give everyone a glimpse

into my world as a special needs parent. I wanted to raise awareness, share my

challenges, experiences, joys, and appreciation of being Meghann’s mom whom

at 11 months was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. I also wanted to advertise the

online support group for parents of special needs children and adults that I was

hosting. My hope for the support group was to help connect parents of special

need children.

Then the unthinkable happen. Meghann passed away at

the age of 30. My husband,Dan, and I spent five weeks

in the hospital. I sat everyday at her hospital bedside.

The only thing she wanted from me was to hold her hand

and that is exactly what I did every day. I sat next to her

bed in the ICU and held her hand. That is where I sat the

day she slipped away forever taking a piece of me with

her. I am appreciative that I was there for Meghann in the

beginning, middle, and end of her beautiful life here on

earth.

It has been a rough year. I know I am not alone with my grief of losing someone.

Grief is a complicated emotion that affects everyone differently. It can be

a lonely place if you let it consume you, and It can easily take over your every

thought with the same question.   Why?

I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe that sometimes we never

learn those reasons.

And that’s okay.

For me, the grief of losing my daughter, Meghann, has given me a more keen

sense of what is happening around me. In the beginning of my grief, I became

super sensitive to what others had with their children. I silently watched everyone

with their children or grandchildren. I was jealous. I think I am probably still jealous.

So, I force a smile when strangers talk about their children unaware that I lost my

only child and shake my head in agreement. I force a smile when they complain,

or brag about their children, or grandchildren.

And that’s okay.

I made it through my first Mother’s day without Meghann.

I made it through May 24th, the date she passed, without

totally falling apart. My nose is finally no longer red from

blowing it, and the dark circles under my eyes are fading.

In a few weeks, on June 27th I will make it through Meghann’s

birthday. This year I will skip surfing the internet for puzzles

she doesn’t already have stacked in her closet. I will

skip buying a birthday cake with Mickey and Minnie on it.

I will skip buying presents, playing games, and singing happy

birthday to her.

Each year these dates will approach, arrive, and pass painfully for me.

And that’s my new okay.

This past year has not only given me a different

perspective on my surroundings it has given me

a better appreciation for those who love and

support me. I am more appreciative of my family

and friends. Regardless of how busy my siblings were

with their own lives on May 24th my OLDER sister,

Valerie, (we are twins) and my big brother, Mick, called me.

They both have gone above and beyond checking

on me throughout this year. I can never thank them enough

for the support, love, and time they have devoted to

me this past year. Even my dad who is a man of few

words has reached out to me on a consistent basis.

Uncle Mick with Meghann

Four Generations

Meghann's 30th bday party
She was so thrilled and excited to have such a big party!!

Nena, Meghann and cousin Peyton

Marie 

I had friends text me kind messages along with

comments on my facebook page about Meghann.

I am so thankful for the love I have felt during this

past year from friends, and people who have

worked with Meghann. It was a great comfort to

me to know that Meghann has not been forgotten.

Paula and Meghann at school in Peoria

Eric who fixed chair, stander, and equipment. I think Meghann
along with every other little girl had a crush on this guy. haha

Meghann loved school and would stay there forever
if they let her. 

Sara- Meg's therapist

Special Olympics

Marty and Kathy with Meg.
Therapist at March Madness

Ginger(at school) and Meghann

Mrs Fauser. Meghann loved this woman.
She was wonderful. She attended Meghann's
Celebration of life along with another teacher. 

Abby and Meghan at the Special Olympics
Meghann loved Abby!! They grew up together

Meghann's smile was contagious.
Everyonewho knew her would
always comment on her beautiful
smile. It was only fitting to try and

pass a smile onto others in
Meghann's honor.This is what we
decided to do in honor of Meghann's
smile. We are passing out cards

for people to do Random Acts of
Kindness. Follow the link below
and the cards to join in or you can
email me at
jillianm1963@hotmail.com for
more information.

I hope that through the SMILE Random

Act of Kindness we started that Meghann’s smile

and goodness will continue to touch others.

Thanks Brittney (my step-daughter) for bringing this
idea to me so Meghann’s smile can live on forever.
You are a bright light shining through my dark days.

https://www.facebook.com/MeghannMarie1987/

Meghann loved the convertible rides! Probably
because she always sat in the front seat. 

My husband Dan- He may have been a step-dad but that did not lessen the pain of the

loss that he felt when Meghann passed away.  He endured a lot during those five weeks

and the months that followed. He protected me from things and people who tried to make

an unbearable situation more difficult.  And he handled it with grace and a loving heart.

He has also put up with my sometimes moody, B#$%^y grief stricken attitude. Thanks

Dano for being you!!!

Our last outing together

I will always be thankful for being Meghann’s mom

for 30 years. I am grateful for all of the milestones

that Meghann achieved in her life and the impact

she made on the lives around her and me. I am

forever thankful for those who helped Meghann

along the way.

Meghann has an aunt V that spoiled her in ways

that I can never repay. She had loving grandparents,

great grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousin, and

friends. She had some wonderful therapist, teachers,

direct support workers, and friends that helped

her live up to her full potential and have a great life.

Although I am thankful, grateful, and appreciative I will always carry with me an overwhelming sadness of missing Meghann.

And that’s my new okay.

Dr. Seuss- “Don’t cry because it’s over. SMILE because it happened.”

Mother knit this dress for Meghann
One of the many things she knit for her. 

    

            Together forever

Anyone who knew my grandma would tell you that

she adored Meghann. The feeling was mutual. They

spent a huge amount of time together watching

Wheel of Fortune, (my grandma is the one who got

Meghann hooked on the show) doing puzzles, and

practicing letters. It brings me great joy to think they

are reunited forever and Meghann's final resting place

is next to her Muna.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAA-PHYk2cY

Easter Seals earls intervention

services were a big part in Meghann 

reaching her developmental milestones.

They provided the valuable services 

Meghann needed to live up to her full

potential. They are celebrating their 100

years of service. I put together a video to 

thank them and would like to share it. 

   Follow the youtube link above. 😀