You are grieving because you
are a person who loved another
The things I have learned through loss:
Everyone grieves in their own way, and most
people want their loved one to be remembered.
We all feel pain regardless if you are a grieving
mother, father, step-father, grandparent, sibling,
spouse, child, or friend. And it doesn’t count
any less or make a difference if your loved one
died of cancer, drug/alcohol overdose, natural
causes or an accident. It is a loss. They are loved
and missed.
It has been almost six months since I lost my only child, Meghann. It doesn’t seem real to me. I wake up in the morning not realizing that she is gone. My first thought is when will I visit her. Then it hits me !! Meghann is gone. The thought swooshes over me like an ocean wave covering me until I lift my head up out of the wave and off my pillow. I get up and start my day. Throughout the day these waves hit me when I least expect it. Sometimes I am standing in the shower and the waves wash over me. My tears blend in with the water streaming over my head. I allow myself to use this time to release my sadness. When I am done with my shower my tears are done too. I am not ashamed to admit that I still have days that I cry because I miss Meghann. And that’s okay. I think crying is a good release. I know I feel better after I have let those tears flow freely.
One day my husband shared with me
how he envies women for their ability and
acceptance from others to shed tears easily.
He also said people ask him how I am doing
since we lost Meghann but they don’t ask
about his loss. I felt sad for him because I
knew he was right. It is more acceptable for
women to cry than men. And when a child is
ill or dies we embrace and surround mom.
Does it have to be this way?
Everyone grieves differently. Shouldn’t we all be able to grieve without feeling judged
on how we need to get through the journey? It shouldn’t matter if we are male or female.
If an individual wants to cry then they should cry. Perhaps being female doesn’t have
anything to do with it. Maybe its as simple as females generally visually show grief by
crying unlike men. I suppose tears are a little hard not to notice. This made me wonder
why don’t more people ask my husband how he is doing as often as they inquire about
me? Is it because he is male or a step-father? Does this lessen the hurt? Whatever the
reason may be, I am going to be more mindful not to label a loss by gender or title.
After all, there is no one right or wrong way to grieve. We go at our own pace, and time.
Sometimes I choose to cry when I am alone. And that is okay. When I do feel the need
to be among others I have found support through different avenues.
I am a firm believer in support groups and counseling. Sometimes your best friend, spouse,
sibling, parent, or loved one isn’t enough. My husband and I have attended
two different grief support groups since Meghann died. At one time, I thought
when people grieved over their spouse of 50 years it was not as bad as me grieving
over Meghann. She was my little girl and only 30 years old. She certainly didn’t deserve
to suffer in the hospital for five weeks. I shouldn’t have to live without Meghann. She
was my only child. How is that fair? Does age, or how you die really make a difference
to the loved ones left behind? No, it really doesn’t matter. In the end they are still gone.
I am reminded of a story of a woman who's daughter died of a drug addiction. She
shared how her friends and neighbors had not been there for her. She said if her daughter
would of died of cancer her neighbors would of been bringing her casseroles and checking
on her daily. However because her daughter died of a long struggle with drugs she was
considered less of a loss. Until I heard stories like this one and attended the support group
meeting I didn’t realize that the commonality of everyone in this group. Everyone missed
and loved the person they lost. And they enjoyed sharing memories of that person. It
doesn’t matter their age or how they passed away. They are missed and loved.
Many times people don’t know what to say to someone when a loved one passes away.
I heard one thing over and over when my daughter passed away. It was “I don’t know
what to say.” My answer was always the same. “I know. I don’t either.” Today I would
respond “Share a memory.”
So, the next time you see me or someone who is experiencing a loss and don’t know
what to say…. share a memory of their loved one.
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