Fatherhood requires love, not DNA

Online Support Group Meeting

October 3rd at 7 p.m.

Zoom:  https://zoom.us/

Ipad, laptop- ID number 859 589 845

Or

Phone- 646-558-8656  (free)

Join parents/caregivers with common experiences, concerns, knowledge and joys with one another. Regardless how old your special needs loved one may be, there will be something for you in this group.

The next online meeting will be Nov. 7th at 7 p.m.

Any questions contact:  

Jill

815-866-3776

jillianm1963@hotmail.com

What is it like to be a step-father? What if that child has special needs? Would you choose to date or marry someone who has a child with intellectual or developmental delays?  

Blended families are the norm today. Divorce is common. Studies show that among families with special needs children the divorce rate is as high as 80%.  I was one of those statistics.

Meghann’s step-father and I married two years ago. We had been together for nine years.   I was very careful while dating not to introduce my daughter to anyone. In addition to presenting a new partner, I had the task of trying to explain this change to my daughter who has intellectual and developmental delays. A new introduction was a step I had to consider carefully before moving forward with   someone. I knew how difficult it might be to initiate new partners into children's lives.

I witnessed the obstacles that many of my friends were face with after divorce. I heard stories of fighting between children and step-parents. I listened to arguments about money, discipline, sleeping arrangements, child support, and so on.  This knowledge allowed me to be aware of the difficulty I might encounter. However I had another challenge. Meghann was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 11 months old.  I wanted to make sure my 21 year old daughter experienced a smooth and positive transition with a new man in our lives.

How would a man who was not my daughter's biological father react to her disability?  My ex husband had a difficult time accepting Meghann and her limitations. How was a man who had no history with her going react to the challenges? Some doubts ran through my head during those days.  I had 20 years to adjust to the ups and downs of a child with special needs. I had been through strokes, therapy, rehab, serial casting, illness and more.  Would I be able to count on someone to jump in without hesitation? I needed and wanted someone who was not afraid of the special circumstances they would be walking into.   Would my high expectations of him be out of line? Would I have the right to expect anything?  Would he even understand? Would I want someone to understand? Did I even want any help parenting? I was accustomed to handling everything on my own. Would Meghann and I be able to welcome Dan with open arms? And would Dan do the same for us? I knew Dan was a loving father. I saw it every day in his daughter. Were my doubts even valid?

                               Fatherhood requires love, not DNA.

I can tell which of my friends were put on this earth to be a parent? Can you?  I think some people are natural parents. I got lucky.  I met a guy who is a natural. He is a loving, caring, loyal, fun, supportive, accepting, and a wonderful father.  The first time I introduced Meghann to Dan,  her stepfather, he talked to her as if she was a “normal” child. You may be thinking to yourself how else would he talk to her? There is a large population that has never experienced any contact with an intellectual or developmentally delayed individuals. Throughout Meghann’s life I was  thankful when people took the time to talk to her. She was always very social to everyone and loved the attention. Unfortunately there were people who talk “baby talk” to her and it drove me nuts!!

From the first day Dan met Meghann, he  spoke to her  in an age appropriate manner. I was impressed with Dan’s patience when he was communicating with Meghann considering she is nonverbal.  Dan and I talked about everything and we still do to this day. It was during these talks that Dan began to ask questions about Meghann.  The questions were not about Meghann’s disability they were about her abilities.  Dan treated Meghann as if she was his own daughter from the very beginning of our relationship. He dove right in and stole my little girls heart without even trying.  I didn’t need to worry about him understanding Meghann’s special needs. This was a father- daughter relationship in progress. He wasn’t concerned she was nonverbal, couldn’t walk, and needed extra help. It was okay with him. It is alright they don’t have a past with ups and downs. They were working on the future as a family.

For the first time in a while,  I had someone who was thrilled to take Meghann to the parks, swimming, vacations and more. Years prior  I had stopped engaging in a few activities with Meghann. As Meghann grew bigger the exhausting duty of doing it alone was too much.   

Meghann and my life began to change. We were no longer alone.  We welcomed Dan into our life and never looked back.  All of those challenges such as discipline, money, sleeping arrangements all felt insignificant once we merged our lives.  Every minute Dan and Meghann spend together is filled with laughing, teasing, playing catch, games, hugs and kisses.  Watching the two of them together put my doubts to rest for good.  Dan made his own history with Meghann when he leapt over the step and became OUR daughter’s father.

To all of the stepfathers out there who have STEPPED up to love and care for their blended families children I applaud you!!!

During the September online support group meeting Dan shared his experiences stepping into the role as a father to Meghann. Watch for the video recording of this and past meetings to be posted soon.